March 8th, 2020

When You’re In It You’re In It -

Welp. I’m fully in it right now.

Let me set the scene for you… It’s a bit after 9pm on a Wednesday night, I’m laying in bed with what feels like a swollen prefrontal cortex, my doona is missing it’s cover, half my bed has clothes on it that I was trying to declutter a few months back, it’s topped with a garnishing of chocolate wrappers from lots of mini chocolate bars and my bed sheet well, it’s filthy and needs to be changed but I don’t know when I’ll be doing that. Also, you can barely see my bedroom floor.

My bedroom has always been an intimate look at the state of my mental health. Very rarely has it been neat, tidy or organised over the past decade. It also represents some kind of weird phenomenon of telepathic connection to my family, for example: I enjoy a good decluttering but this comes at a price, seeing as I’ve cut out my toxic family from my life they have somehow attached themselves to me psychically and as I declutter something from my bedroom, every time without fail they try to contact me. I throw something away, my dad whom I have not seen since I was 10 years old friend requests me on facebook. True story, and his profile picture… guess? A brick wall, which is ironic as that is what it’s like talking to that man.

This has happened time and time again so if I don’t have the energy to deal with them I leave the room in chaos. It makes sense in my world. I know this sounds like an excuse but I promise you it isn’t. Which now after re-reading this and talking about this with a friend I think I’ve clarified the phenomenon and it’s only when I declutter so now there is no excuse for mess ahhhhhh. Do you have a weird thing like this in your life?

My prefrontal cortex feels swollen tonight because of the amount of crying I have done today. I did shower because I had appointments to get to today and I’d like to say also because it’s my Moon Time aka time of the month aka shark week aka I have my period aka there’s blood coming out through my vagina as a result of my uterine lining peeling itself off my uterus walls so it may cramp, slide, cramp ever so painfully through a tiny opening called the cervix which then also releases certain hormones that cause what I like to call period diarrhoea, but if I’m honest and that’s what I’m trying to be, even that wouldn’t have been a good enough reason for me to shower today if I didn’t have appointments. Who knows, sometimes I do surprise myself and I actually shower for just me when I feel like this, but mostly I don’t.

Welcome to being in it

I know you’ve been here too. Often it’s here where we connect to our dark side, where we enjoy the pain in art whilst we wallow in our filth. When I’m here I wonder what the point of it all is and I search for others like me. When I’m here, the universe speaks to me. It generally allows me some time to stay here and really settle into my filth groove that I’ve imprinted into my mattress but then as I disappear into the rabbit holes of YouTube or numb myself with Netflix bingeing, it begins to speak. The movies that I choose to watch apply profoundly to my life, YouTube videos that I click on end up having something profound to say to me about my life. As a child I noticed this and used to question whether there was an invisible drone following me around watching and listening to me. Now it’s our phones and algorithms!

This upper section was drafted on October 16th 2019 and now being finished at 00:56am March 8th 2020…

And guess what I’m still in it! I read back over this and had a giggle at how brutally honest I have been here. Lets continue with that shall we?

I’m still in it only this time I’m also now sick with some kind of flu slash sinus infection where phlegm is my friend, my room has not changed apart from mess moving to other areas in my attempts of cleaning it. Yesterday in the hopes of trying to get some sleep I finally stripped the bedding, flipped the mattress, showered and used a very nice calming body wash then proceeded to get 5 hours sleep which was an improvement on the day before running on 2 hours sleep. I managed to fall asleep this afternoon which is why I’m awake now.

This sounds like a diary entry but the whole point of me writing this is to basically tell it how it can be. I’m trying to be real as fuck. This is the ugly side of healing, for me and many others. Basically when you’re in it you’re in it and sometimes no matter what you do you don’t have control over this domain of healing. It seems to me right now, I don’t have control, no matter what I try I can’t escape the lack of energy or lack of motivation, the emptiness, the pain, the panic attacks etc etc.

I do have some answers in a health sense as I went and got myself some blood work done which you should do too to help yourself find out what’s going on because with understanding comes healing - check hormone levels, iron levels, stds, allergies and anything else you want to check out. Now that I have a reason why I don’t have energy I can stop beating myself up and focus on what I can do to resolve that particular issue.

I also understand why I have so much pain and panic attacks occurring… I intentionally opened pandoras box in that regard by thinking I was ready to heal my childhood trauma and on second thoughts I really don’t think I was so I laugh instead of cry at that choice but finding a therapist (psychologist) who specialises in trauma has really helped by giving me tools to navigate them when I can feel it coming on. As well as helping to show me my warped perspective on a lot of moments past and present in my life.

Like I said with understanding comes healing but boy oh boy can it be messy when you’re in it. With all this being said it’s really OKAY where you are at the moment, if your life looks like this or it’s better or it’s worse it’s really OKAY. You’re OKAY, you’re LOVED and you’re NEEDED. Just make sure you go gentle with yourself and your needs at this time, if all you can do is drink some water then do that, if all you can do is make yourself a meal then do that, if all you can do is sleep then do that. No matter how long it takes and I know how frustrating it can be, mines been going on for about a year and a half now and doesn’t seem like the end is anywhere near. I tell myself it’s okay and I’m okay and on the days I have energy or do feel slightly better than death I be kind to myself and do what I can. Some days that’s a lot and other days it’s no different to my down days.

Many other symptoms of ugly healing are having breakdowns both public and private, destroying relationships, speaking from pain and hurting others, destroying your career or work opportunities, hurting yourself in various ways and I’ve done all of those. The best advice I ever got when my world suddenly imploded was ‘To just put one foot in front of the other and remember to lean forward”. If that’s all you can do then just do that.

Search for things to help you if you can and I get it we don’t always have the capacity to do even that. I’m having a win tonight being able to finish this blog post. Find articles, anecdotal writings, blogs, YouTube videos, movies, series, podcasts, therapists, healers, spiritual practices all the things that align with what you feel you need to try, be gentle, don’t rush and if you find things aren’t changing how you feel get ready to learn about patience as I am and learning to accept where you are at. Sometimes the lesson is long and sometimes we can’t just snap out of it or think differently and begin to feel differently. Sometimes this is the point.

So far I think my lessons from this big one are about patience, acceptance of myself in my ugliness and messiness but even that is beautiful in itself, discovering who in my life has the stamina and is willing to go through these hard times with me which honestly isn’t many at all and that’s okay, how to heal alone, how to navigate pain and what I have needed and have not been able to have for my healing so that I can help provide a solution to whatever that is for others. To remember this painful time will be a valuable lesson for me to be of service to you.

Feel free to email me if you want to share anything at:
bec@beeseapod.com